For once, I haven't known what to say

[pjthompson]

It's been a strange couple of weeks with my mother getting so ill. I haven't known how to talk about it, haven't felt like talking, been superstitious about talking. I wanted to make sure mom was well recovered before I said anything because I fear irony more than any other force in the Universe. Even now I feel a hinky creeping up my spine as I write.

But mom has fought off the infections, she's back from the hospital (5 days in), and she's fought off the cold she got after the hospital. Her energy is pretty good, if not back where it was before. She's always been the Valkyrie, so her energy levels have always been exceptionally high, her physical condition that of someone twenty years younger, and I have taken that for granted. In the last two weeks I've had to face the shocking realization that...wow, she's 87 years old.

I know it's ridiculous to have made it all the way to middle-age and not have realized this. I faced it a long time ago in myself. Having cancer, even a non-aggressive form, does tend to put one on notice that they are mortal. And it's not as if I haven't lost people—two fathers, all my aunts and uncles, a brother, cousins, friends, grandparents, surrogate grandparents—and yet somehow I was cruising along on the assumption that my mother would be the one exception to the rule.

It's shaken me, and changed me in ways I can't fathom yet, and even though the abyss blinked this time, I know it's not forever—in a heart way this time, not just a head way. The same week my mom went into the hospital, a work friend's mom, who's been semi-comatose for 11 weeks, died. Another friend's mom had a stroke in the early part of the month and is going to have to long-term 24/7 care for the foreseeable future. November was a bad month for moms.

Things could have been so much worse for me. I got mine back for now. I am so very, very, very grateful. I'm going to try hard to appreciate what I have while I have it.

Comments

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad she's back.

[pjthompson]

Me, too. :-)

[wldhrsjen3.livejournal.com]

(hugs) I am so glad she's out of the hospital and feeling better. ::sends you both good thoughts::

I know how scary that is... My mom had stage 3 colon cancer at the age of 51, and it absolutely turned my life upside down. I was recovering from my own surgery and I kept bursting into tears at random moments, thinking, "But I still need my mom!" even though I was 26 at the time. I am 31 now, and I *still* sometimes feel that I'll never really outgrow my need for her friendship and encouragement. She has been 5 years without cancer, but I still appreciate the fact that my time with her is limited.

[hominysnark.livejournal.com]

Having recently gone through health scares with both my parents, I know where you are. I still don't know how to talk about it.

[jmeadows.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about not wanting to say anything, just in case. Sometimes, words make things truer.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom.

[geniusofevil.livejournal.com]

holy shit, your mom is 87?

I think the hardest thing about getting older is realizing that the number of people you know getting sick or dying is only going to increase.

I'm really, really glad your mother's okay.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about not knowing what to say. Since my mother's quadruple bypass, I can't think too long or hard on what it would mean to have her gone.

Hugs to Ma PJ and you.

[beth-bernobich.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad she's better and home from the hospital.

...and yet somehow I was cruising along on the assumption that my mother would be the one exception to the rule.

Yeah. I thought exactly that about my father. *sigh*

[pjthompson]

Bless her and bless you. I honestly don't think we ever outgrow our need for our mothers, if we have at all a good relationship with them. I've been talking to another friend who's mom has been gone several years now and she says it's that way for her, too. It's a primal relationship. It can't help but effect you.

[pjthompson]

Yeah. It shakes the foundations of one's world.

[pjthompson]

Thank you! I'm hoping my words are just words. :-)

[pjthompson]

Thank you. I was a late in life baby, but even so—when you hit middle-age, the circle gets smaller and smaller.

[pjthompson]

Thank you, sweetie. Hugs back to you.

[pjthompson]

Thank you. It's always hard to think of them as going some day. Almost harder than thinking of yourself going some day.

[(Anonymous)]

I am so glad to hear your mom is now recovering, apart from the cold. It is difficult to imagine life without a mom until it comes home to roost. Effectively, I lost mine to a stroke in 93. What was left lingered until xmas of 2005 but the essence of my mother had long since departed. Nevertheless, despite that we knew she had days rather than months left, it still came as a bolt out of the blue.

It is a moment not easy to describe. I think my dh put the thoughts together the best after he lost his last parent. It wasn't just the grief but it was suddenly realizing that one was now on the top rung of the ladder and therefore next. All the buffers of the grandparents and the parents and the aunts and the uncles weren't there anymore and now there you were, in that position, looking down over the younger generation. Weird, spooky and uncomfortable.

I suppose this came down to hit me even more this weekend when I got a letter to say my last remaining aunt had died. The old folks all tend to get sick or die over xmas for some reason and this wasn't unexpected, either. Her husband, my uncle is 102 so I don't suppose it will be long before I get another letter after the shock he just sustained. This was my dad's eldest brother.

What it means for me is to treasure what I have while it lasts. The anticipation is still not nice and it never goes away once activated. So love her, spend time with her and treasure all the special moments left.

Many hugs.

[pjthompson]

Thanks so much! This came through as anonymous, so I don't know who this is, but you're right about appreciating what I have.

[kmkibble75.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this, and bringing to mind things we sometimes take for granted.

[pjthompson]

You're welcome--I needed to be reminded, too. I just wish it had been so dramatically. But maybe I wouldn't have listened otherwise. :-/

[handworn.livejournal.com]

Oof. Consider yourself hugged.

[pjthompson]

Thanks!