Other Echoes

Soooooo, Natasha got herself in a bit of a bind, by getting not only her wallet but also her passport stolen at a bar on NYE. I feel so bad for her.

So she is going to try to get an emergency passport, as she has two work trips here in the US coming up and if she goes back home to Canada without her passport, even though they'll likely let her in to her own country without the physical document, she likely would not be able to get back into the states. And these are events she can't miss.

The closest Canadian consulate where she can get an emergency passport is in Seattle.

So the plan is to drive up with her early in the morning, as they have some weird thing where if you don't have any identification at all, you need a friend with you who's known you more than two years who can verify your identity.

(I've known Natasha for 13 years so no issues there.)

I've never heard of such a thing but anyway, when all this came to light, only one customer had scheduled with me on Monday anyway, so I am rescheduling that appointment so I can take the day off to go help her get a new passport.

I will take the train home once we're done in Seattle.

We'll be driving with plants and a cat, but it should be fine.

So, I am bringing my ID and passport card, and I will bring some food and books and a journal for the train. I even have a little keyboard if I want to write, but I imagine I will mostly read and maybe doodle.

So I need to make a few snacks and meals, get clothes together, take a shower, pack up a travel bag and my wallet with my ID/passport to keep close to me (I'm leaving my passport at home), make sure Avalanche is set up with food and clean litter for the day, and hopefully get to bed early since I'm getting up a little after 5am to hit the road before 6.

It'll be nice to spend some time with her, I love Natasha and she is a stunningly beautiful, unique and vivacious person. She's got some big quirks though, one of them being getting into pickles like this.

I'm honestly really grateful for the chance to do something nice for her. She gave me a really beautiful cat, that has brightened my life substantially, she has graciously hosted me at her home in Canada multiple times, I'm really happy to be able to return the favor.

It's been nice having her stay at the house for a bit, too. She went to stay with Cynthia for the second half of the week, but having a house instead of an apartment for her to stay in has been really nice. Going from 900 sq ft to 1300 has been a big jump in space, it makes things easier when people are over.

I don't think I want to host a big house warming party, I don't like big groups, but I might do a handful of small ones? No gifts though, the last thing we need is more stuff.

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I've been avoiding grief meditation time today (I woke up super depressed and I know I need to do it but it's hard) by watching decluttering videos.

I have a really hard time with these because my circumstances are really different than most people's.

I found one lady who resonated somewhat - she also lost her parents early, and grandparents (but not all), and had addiction in her family, and had a really hard time letting go of stuff because of all of this.

BUT. But. It really makes a difference when people have kids. It gives humans a built-in reason to move forward with meaning, instead of hanging onto the past. But I don't have that.

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(Ohhhhh, golden light outside after a day of lots of rain, sunset approaching, it's such a dreary beautiful January day.

It's been rainy on the mountain, so sad, all the ski areas are closed except the very highest elevations, will we never x-country ski this year? sigh.

I love cross-country because it costs nothing and requires a lot of hard work but it's gentle and meditative and not at all aggressive. It's like hiking through the snow on slidy shoes. It's quiet and peaceful and hard cardio and so so stunningly beautiful.)

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My anhedonia lifted and I got this weird rebound effect where now everything is too beautiful to believe. I am constantly breathless over the beauty of the littlest, emptiest things. Mostly the sky. I know Madoc was obsessed with the sky, in the year before he died. His entire Instagram was 99% photos of clouds. And the occasional flower.

I can't wait for spring and summer.

Winter here is hard. But there is beauty in the hardness, too. The coziness and the baking, the little ways to find comfort. I will wear my most comfortable clothes for the train, the softest hat and gloves and sweater, it will be nice.

Speaking of, I should do some laundry.

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K laundry is in.

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The sky is getting all dramatic. So pretty.

My left breast is hurting more now than it did the week after surgery, I'm not sure what's going on there. It's not a sudden increase in pain, there is not a sudden mass of swelling, there is no redness. Just a constant hurt, kind of like a wound that won't heal, or something. But it's the whole thing. My post-op visit is Thursday, I'm hoping I can hold out until then, I don't want to take anything for it, but I am irritated that I still have to hold onto it with my hand every time I go up and down the stairs. How long will this pain last? It's anybody's guess, according to the medical assistant I've spoken with about it.

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Anyway, back to the decluttering thing. It's just really hard to let go of things for me, without family to move forward with. Letting go of that stuff means the meaningfulness connected to that item gets lost forever. It's a horrible, gut-wrenching, existentially terrifying feeling, to have like, mom's paperwork and hand-written notes and cards from friends and stuffies and trinkets and clothing and dish towels and whatever else, and whatever meaningfulness and memories about her life that might be triggered in me are the last of what's left of her, and if I throw that away, what will trigger them - there is no one left to remember, she might as well have never existed, once I'm done, and it's so burdensome and sad.

It's not entirely true, she had lots of music students and kids she cared for and friends who carry their own memories of her. But none of those people have stayed in touch with me, except one or two girls I never met until mom's memorial. My brother remembers but he won't live forever, neither will I, it's just a constant reminder of it all ending and it's really scary. And also most of her stuff smells really bad, which triggers all of the trauma of watching her die slowly of dementia - there was a long period where she couldn't bathe herself but also refused to let anyone help her and she just reeked. I finally had to ignore her protests and bathe her myself when I found mildew growing in her hair. No one should ever experience finding mildew in their ailing mother's hair, just saying.

It is worrisome that I have a really hard time keeping myself clean, even though I am still relatively young and healthy. I just don't want to. It takes everything I have to force myself to shower 2x per week, I am trying so hard to bump that up to 3 but it's just not happening. I worry about my own future, mostly about hurting or saddening anyone who has to deal with me.

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Anyway. Grateful that looking for my passport card triggered emptying one more bin, my room is almost looking like a regular bedroom at this point, just one big corner pile mess left.

(I'll not talk about the closet, which is still piled with bins and clutter. Or the bathroom which is only minimally functional, but at least clean on the surface.)

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I put a goal on my self-help birb app Finch that says, "place hand on broom handle" - it's remarkable how helpful this is to trigger sweeping.

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I want to bake a pie and cookies tonight. I made cookies at Cynthia's last night and it was so fun. Natasha helped me. We played Rumikub which I love, I should take Josh's mom up on that offer to give me one of her sets, she has two and has offered me a couple of times, I think it's time to accept. The game does get old after the third round or so but I enjoy it. The tiles feel nice and I like the little moon wildcards. Finally a game I can play confidently and without too much stress.

That reminds me, I need to have Josh help me remember how to play gin. Maybe we can do that tonight. We were doing that regularly for a bit but he got tired of it. I did not! I really enjoy that game.

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Oh man I am babbling. Time to make a to-do list for the trip tomorrow and start working on food. Glad to have the laundry going. I am washing all of my wool sweaters, yaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

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I've been wearing the sweat pants I bought for my surgery, they are so cozy. I have not owned a pair of sweats in so long. The hospital asked for sweat pants and I had to go thrift a pair. These are so soft and thick and cozy, and they have little velcro pockets. I dunno, it's just cozy and comforting for a lazy Sunday at home.

I roasted a giant pumpkin, time to go turn it into pie. And maybe bread, too. There is so much pumpkin! Excited.

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The kitties were so sweet napping with me, today. They've been so happy and playful with each other today, and snuggly. It's too bad that Taiga is leaving just as they're really starting to have fun together. Such is the way with visits, hmm.

They're both here dosing close to me while I'm journaling here. So sweet.

The sunset had some dramatic bright orange against the pale blues and dark greys. Very January of it.

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Managed to do all of my PT this morning, yay.

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Ow. :(

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Things to do tonight:

* set out clothes for tomorrow
* pack up a lunch and snacks (should I make a sandwich for Natasha?)
* Set out bowl for breakfast, pack driving snacks and drinks
* take out backpack and pack library book, journal, pens, bluetooth keyboard
* find charging block for phone and charge it to bring for the train
* charge earbuds
* bring small pillow or stuffling
* buy train ticket (pay extra for free change/cancel option)

* bake pie
* bake cookies
* run dishwasher
* finish laundry
* make dinner
* take a shower