Fortune telling

[pjthompson]

I’ve been trying to dig myself out of the mounds of acquired stuff that have begun to seem more a burden than preserved treasures. Part of this has been cleaning up and getting rid of old paper files and odds n’ ends in filing cabinets and boxes. Sometimes I actually throw them away; sometimes I digitize them then throw them away. Other times I run across relics of my past that aren’t really worthy of preservation—except, maybe, as personal historical documents. Signs and portents from a much younger me which now and then have messages for the present.

I came across one of those today, something written on a scrap of paper when I was about fourteen or fifteen. There was some scribbling in imitation of a novel called Jesus Christs by A. J. Langguth that made a big impression on me back then. Not great writing on my part, but I find it as hard to be disdainful of that child who was me as I would find it impossible to be disdainful of any fourteen or fifteen-year-old child trying to find their way in the creative world. I will digitize this page, even though it isn’t “worthy.”

We need to protect our young selves because they still exist inside us, still need to be nurtured and told it’s okay to come out of hiding. They are part of us, no matter how we may deny them or what sophisticated masks overlay their faces.

On the bottom of this same preserved page was another message, scrawled in a different pen and in obvious distress—not the fat, rounded characters of my “artistic” handwriting.

Why am I so cruel and impatient? He’s old and needs help. He needs someone to listen to his stories and make him feel good.

That one sent a chill through me. That young girl was speaking of her biological father, already a senior citizen when she was born. What chilled me? It made me realize that my life has been bracketed by the care and consideration of two old people. When I was young, my father—much older than my mother, and now, of course, as the wheel turns round and round…it’s my mother.

In between these brackets existed a time for me, a precious and fleeting time, but I didn’t realize that. I piffled it away, had some fun, worried too much about inconsequential things, thinking my time infinite and solely my own. I don’t believe I’m alone in this kind of behavior, this illusion, as many a human seems incapable of grasping the passage of time. I have done a lot of gazing in crystal balls in the course of my life, consulting with the tarot and the runes and the lines in the palm of my hand. I got quite good at telling fortunes. I could really sell it, you know? Weave a good story for the marks…

Like many and many a fortune, my own held good and bad, steady going and crumbling steps, the expected and unexpected—none of which, really, was picked up by the crystal or the cards or the lines or the runes. Like many and many a future, mine held a large dose of irony that oracles seem very poor at ferreting out of the aethyr.

Mirrored from Better Than Dead.

Comments

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Oh boy, have I walked that path.

[pjthompson.livejournal.com]

I know you have. :-)

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

In between these brackets existed a time for me, a precious and fleeting time, but I didn’t realize that. I piffled it away, had some fun, worried too much about inconsequential things, thinking my time infinite and solely my own.

This is something of where I'm at now, suddenly aging in my body, and meanwhile with the responsibility of my father (though still at a distance), and my chance at adventure visibly slipping away. And the writing--can I finish even the one story? I get bitter and dogged trying to seize time.

Meanwhile, your childhood anguish is very familiar to me. I'm never, ever as nice or as loving as I would like to be. *sigh*

[pjthompson.livejournal.com]

It's difficult as time slips away not to feel bitter. I don't feel it towards other writers, just at "life circumstances" that have made it so difficult to get where I wanted to be. I have limited energy these days—I'm never going to be one of those people who takes on enormous challenges and is still somehow able to create. Just not in my makeup. So I get bitter with myself, too, sometimes. I try not to go to that place because it's really counterproductive.

I'm never, ever as nice or as loving as I would like to be. *sigh*

I seriously doubt that. I bet you're just being extra hard on yourself. **hugs**

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I don't feel it toward other writers either, just, as you say, toward life. And even then, I hardly can: I've had an excellent life. I'm just greedy.

[pjthompson.livejournal.com]

Yes, greedy. Just wish I hadn't wasted so much time on piffle.

[bogwitch64.livejournal.com]

I wish I had some of those early-life scribblings. I am certain my memory is faulty when it comes to myself, and my behavior. Present circumstances have a way of distorting the past.

[pjthompson.livejournal.com]

Yes. It's very easy to fool yourself, or to forget.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

And you never think, when you're younger, that your memory *will* be faulty. I thought all those moments would live with me forever. Ah well. They'll probably reappear when I least expect it.

(exiting in the left lane on the highway--oh no! A memory from my teen years!)

[pjthompson.livejournal.com]

They may come back at the oddest times. My mom remembers very obscure things these days that all the rest of us have forgotten!